But, He Can't Handle the Truth
There were exactly two times on the trip with the guy who assaulted me that I tried to talk to him about what happened. Both times, I got a clear message "He can't handle knowing the truth." So, I tried to protect him. That was the start of the lies.
The first time I tried to confront him on what happened was the very next day after it happened. We had two long car rides that day-one early that morning to Indiana and one to Chicago late that evening. I tried my best to enjoy our time in Shipshewana (a place he had requested to go to by name). Then, on our way to Chicago, I finally gained the courage to tell him what I was experiencing.
I started the conversation "So, I really need to talk about what happened last night." Immediately, he began crying and talking about how he was in love with a guy he had a secret affair with and that guy left him. He told the whole story of how they met, how they kept it a secret, and how the guy had left him to be with the woman he had been dating and got engaged to her.
He talked about how he would "put being gay on the shelf" for a month, try not to think about it, not identify as gay, then, would take it off the shelf, have many hook ups, and "put it back on the shelf again". He had lost track of how many guys he had been with, but estimated it to be over 500. He said the guy who he had the secret affair with was the first guy he ever cared about. It was about an hour later when he stopped crying. Never once did he ask why I brought that night up and needed to talk about what had happened. I got the message loud and clear "He is not well and isn't stable enough to hear the truth".
I did not bring it up again until the second to last day of the trip. He had become very distant, noticed how much I had been drinking, and was incredibly rude to me about it making statements about how I was unstable. I was finally at my wits end and I had to confront him on why I'd been drinking so much. We were at a house party that night. I finally got the courage to tell him the truth.
I found him playing a game with others, pulled him aside and asked if we could talk alone outside. Again, I told him I needed to talk about what happened that night. Again, immediately, before I could say anything, he began to cry and talk about "the one who got away". Again, he never asked me once why I needed to talk. Again, the message was loud and clear "He is not well and isn't stable enough to hear the truth". After him crying in the yard for about 15 minutes or so, I needed some explanation of why I was acting weird without worsening how unstable he seemed. So, I lied.
I told him "I haven't been myself this trip because I just found out my dad has diabetes and I'm struggling with whether or not I want to continue in my career". Both were true at the time. Both were also a lie about why I had been acting the way I did. I had found out my dad had diabetes on the trip and I had been struggling with my boss at the time who made working in the field miserable (hence a job change right after I had my jaw surgery). Both were also a lie. They had nothing to do with why I acted the way I did. I had actually been handling both well and neither was a crisis. But, given what I thought "He cares about me" and "He's not stable enough to handle the truth", I felt an obligation to protect him.
That was only the beginning of the lies.
The first time I tried to confront him on what happened was the very next day after it happened. We had two long car rides that day-one early that morning to Indiana and one to Chicago late that evening. I tried my best to enjoy our time in Shipshewana (a place he had requested to go to by name). Then, on our way to Chicago, I finally gained the courage to tell him what I was experiencing.
I started the conversation "So, I really need to talk about what happened last night." Immediately, he began crying and talking about how he was in love with a guy he had a secret affair with and that guy left him. He told the whole story of how they met, how they kept it a secret, and how the guy had left him to be with the woman he had been dating and got engaged to her.
He talked about how he would "put being gay on the shelf" for a month, try not to think about it, not identify as gay, then, would take it off the shelf, have many hook ups, and "put it back on the shelf again". He had lost track of how many guys he had been with, but estimated it to be over 500. He said the guy who he had the secret affair with was the first guy he ever cared about. It was about an hour later when he stopped crying. Never once did he ask why I brought that night up and needed to talk about what had happened. I got the message loud and clear "He is not well and isn't stable enough to hear the truth".
I did not bring it up again until the second to last day of the trip. He had become very distant, noticed how much I had been drinking, and was incredibly rude to me about it making statements about how I was unstable. I was finally at my wits end and I had to confront him on why I'd been drinking so much. We were at a house party that night. I finally got the courage to tell him the truth.
I found him playing a game with others, pulled him aside and asked if we could talk alone outside. Again, I told him I needed to talk about what happened that night. Again, immediately, before I could say anything, he began to cry and talk about "the one who got away". Again, he never asked me once why I needed to talk. Again, the message was loud and clear "He is not well and isn't stable enough to hear the truth". After him crying in the yard for about 15 minutes or so, I needed some explanation of why I was acting weird without worsening how unstable he seemed. So, I lied.
I told him "I haven't been myself this trip because I just found out my dad has diabetes and I'm struggling with whether or not I want to continue in my career". Both were true at the time. Both were also a lie about why I had been acting the way I did. I had found out my dad had diabetes on the trip and I had been struggling with my boss at the time who made working in the field miserable (hence a job change right after I had my jaw surgery). Both were also a lie. They had nothing to do with why I acted the way I did. I had actually been handling both well and neither was a crisis. But, given what I thought "He cares about me" and "He's not stable enough to handle the truth", I felt an obligation to protect him.
That was only the beginning of the lies.
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