No More "Buts"
An assault by someone you care about has a way of challenging
everything you know about yourself. You begin to question your ability
to tell if people are good or bad. You begin to wonder if you bring pain
on yourself. You question your own sanity, and often, you react
insanely. At least, that's what happened for me.
I must admit, this was the most insane I've been in my life.
One night, I particularly remember how insane I felt. I was hanging out with friends and literally began questioning everything about myself. Everything from what I did for a living, where my next job would be, who I was as a person, whether or not I was attractive, whether or not I deserved to be loved.
Then, I'd swing back to "normal" and feeling reassured that many people feel this way when trying to cope with difficult experiences. I was grieving, dealing with police, wondering what to do from here, and also facing a huge, life altering surgery that would cure a couple of disorders I had from a malformed jaw. My therapist reassured me that, if I didn't feel crazy at this point, she would be worried.
Healing can feel like a roller coaster.
Then, it hit even worse. I was having surgery in November and I was planning a trip in January. While trying to plan that trip to a conference, I found out that the guy who did this had signed up to go after he explicitly told me he would not. Again, the detective got involved. Again, the evidence showed in my favor that he had agreed not to be at the conference and that I had signed up to attend long before he did. Again, the detective's hands were tied because it was up to the conference to decide on who attended.
I had to personally contact the conference and tell my story. At first, unfortunately, they said he could still come because there was no conviction. After nights of terror, crying for hours on end, nightmares worsening, countless moments of worry, phone calls with people who ran the conference, and many, many emails back and forth, they finally decided they would contact him and offer him a full refund if he would not go. The day he accepted it was one of the most relieving moments of my life.
Healing feels like a roller coaster. It also cuts you to your core.
I remember one day that I was cut to my barest core. I had started working with a fifth grader a year before the assault who I'll call "Alex" to protect his or her privacy. Alex had been sexually abused for two years to the point that there was permanent physical damage done. I had been working with Alex making minimal progress here and there when they finally disclosed the sexual assault that had been experiencing weekly for two years. Within a short time after I had experienced the sexual assault, I finally understood what was driving the behavioral challenges, anxiety, suicidality, and self hatred. Alex started talking about their experience in therapy. I began to hear two things: the way we responded was very similar and learning from Alex's wisdom.
What I had experienced, while damaging, was nothing like Alex had experienced. I sat in self hatred over a single event. Alex had experienced an average of one assault a week for two years. Alex, like me, had lied to their family to protect their assailant because they were family and Alex loved them. Alex, like me, thought that their assailant cared about them.
This patient of mine protect sexual assailant, protect mom. Ironically, some of the most profound experiences I had in my own growth came from working with a 5th grader who had experienced sexual abuse
Healing cuts you to the core. That cutting to your core also brings closure.
Every post until now has two things in common: The word "But" followed by some rationalization (But, He Cares about Me; But, He Can't Handle the Truth; But, I Lied). And, every title is an actual statement that both fifth grade Alex and I said when processing our experiences.
A lot can change in a year and a half. In the beginning, my thoughts revolved around a simple truth: I had lied. In trying to protect the guy who assaulted me, I harmed my own safety. Knowing that has a way of screwing with your mind. But, at some point, you have to find a way to put the past in the past.
I was in therapy once a week for a year and a half following what happened. In that year and a half, something really tragically beautiful happened.
As a trauma therapist, I often say or hear the phrase "Trauma is when the past becomes present." When trauma is relived over and over. Sometimes it's a balloon popping that reminds the veteran of combat, the smell of a certain cologne that an assailant wore, or sometimes even seeing the person's name on a city sign. Whatever it is, it brings back the racing heart, sensations, pictures of the event flash to mind, and it feels as if you're reliving the experience.
I remember the exact moment when it finally hit that the event was over and I finally knew it wasn't my fault. Now, mind you, I knew, in my mind, all of this to be a fact. But, knowing something and actually feeling that something is true are two different things. I had started EMDR (a therapy specific to treating trauma). In our sessions, we would always make some progress, I'd start crying, and then session would end because our hour was up. An hour never seemed to be enough. But, finally, sitting there in an old coffee shop converted into my therapist's office, something finally clicked. It was literally as if my brain finally realized I was not living in the event anymore. That, while I was not proud of everything I did afterwards, what I had done was an attempt to protect a person that I had once cared about. I had tried to protect someone. I cannot say the same for the guy who did this. I was not perfect. I also was not the one who assaulted another person. It wasn't my fault. And, most importantly, it was over.
It's hard to explain when you have a moment like that. All I can say is it was nothing short of miraculous. It was as if I breathed for the first time. It felt like a spiritual awakening. I had been stuck for so long, I had forgotten to live. It was finally in the past and I was free to move forward.
I got rid of the old "buts" and found new ones.
I am not grateful for having to go through legal proceedings, but I'm beyond grateful for the knowledge I gained to support others.
I am not perfect, but I am enough.
I was broken, but now, I am whole.
I was beat down, but now I rise.
I am not proud of the lies I told, but I am proud of the man I've become.
I am not happy I was assaulted, but I've never been happier in my life.
I am only one voice. But, I'm far from alone.
#metoo
I must admit, this was the most insane I've been in my life.
One night, I particularly remember how insane I felt. I was hanging out with friends and literally began questioning everything about myself. Everything from what I did for a living, where my next job would be, who I was as a person, whether or not I was attractive, whether or not I deserved to be loved.
Then, I'd swing back to "normal" and feeling reassured that many people feel this way when trying to cope with difficult experiences. I was grieving, dealing with police, wondering what to do from here, and also facing a huge, life altering surgery that would cure a couple of disorders I had from a malformed jaw. My therapist reassured me that, if I didn't feel crazy at this point, she would be worried.
Healing can feel like a roller coaster.
Then, it hit even worse. I was having surgery in November and I was planning a trip in January. While trying to plan that trip to a conference, I found out that the guy who did this had signed up to go after he explicitly told me he would not. Again, the detective got involved. Again, the evidence showed in my favor that he had agreed not to be at the conference and that I had signed up to attend long before he did. Again, the detective's hands were tied because it was up to the conference to decide on who attended.
I had to personally contact the conference and tell my story. At first, unfortunately, they said he could still come because there was no conviction. After nights of terror, crying for hours on end, nightmares worsening, countless moments of worry, phone calls with people who ran the conference, and many, many emails back and forth, they finally decided they would contact him and offer him a full refund if he would not go. The day he accepted it was one of the most relieving moments of my life.
Healing feels like a roller coaster. It also cuts you to your core.
I remember one day that I was cut to my barest core. I had started working with a fifth grader a year before the assault who I'll call "Alex" to protect his or her privacy. Alex had been sexually abused for two years to the point that there was permanent physical damage done. I had been working with Alex making minimal progress here and there when they finally disclosed the sexual assault that had been experiencing weekly for two years. Within a short time after I had experienced the sexual assault, I finally understood what was driving the behavioral challenges, anxiety, suicidality, and self hatred. Alex started talking about their experience in therapy. I began to hear two things: the way we responded was very similar and learning from Alex's wisdom.
What I had experienced, while damaging, was nothing like Alex had experienced. I sat in self hatred over a single event. Alex had experienced an average of one assault a week for two years. Alex, like me, had lied to their family to protect their assailant because they were family and Alex loved them. Alex, like me, thought that their assailant cared about them.
This patient of mine protect sexual assailant, protect mom. Ironically, some of the most profound experiences I had in my own growth came from working with a 5th grader who had experienced sexual abuse
Healing cuts you to the core. That cutting to your core also brings closure.
Every post until now has two things in common: The word "But" followed by some rationalization (But, He Cares about Me; But, He Can't Handle the Truth; But, I Lied). And, every title is an actual statement that both fifth grade Alex and I said when processing our experiences.
A lot can change in a year and a half. In the beginning, my thoughts revolved around a simple truth: I had lied. In trying to protect the guy who assaulted me, I harmed my own safety. Knowing that has a way of screwing with your mind. But, at some point, you have to find a way to put the past in the past.
I was in therapy once a week for a year and a half following what happened. In that year and a half, something really tragically beautiful happened.
As a trauma therapist, I often say or hear the phrase "Trauma is when the past becomes present." When trauma is relived over and over. Sometimes it's a balloon popping that reminds the veteran of combat, the smell of a certain cologne that an assailant wore, or sometimes even seeing the person's name on a city sign. Whatever it is, it brings back the racing heart, sensations, pictures of the event flash to mind, and it feels as if you're reliving the experience.
I remember the exact moment when it finally hit that the event was over and I finally knew it wasn't my fault. Now, mind you, I knew, in my mind, all of this to be a fact. But, knowing something and actually feeling that something is true are two different things. I had started EMDR (a therapy specific to treating trauma). In our sessions, we would always make some progress, I'd start crying, and then session would end because our hour was up. An hour never seemed to be enough. But, finally, sitting there in an old coffee shop converted into my therapist's office, something finally clicked. It was literally as if my brain finally realized I was not living in the event anymore. That, while I was not proud of everything I did afterwards, what I had done was an attempt to protect a person that I had once cared about. I had tried to protect someone. I cannot say the same for the guy who did this. I was not perfect. I also was not the one who assaulted another person. It wasn't my fault. And, most importantly, it was over.
It's hard to explain when you have a moment like that. All I can say is it was nothing short of miraculous. It was as if I breathed for the first time. It felt like a spiritual awakening. I had been stuck for so long, I had forgotten to live. It was finally in the past and I was free to move forward.
I got rid of the old "buts" and found new ones.
I am not grateful for having to go through legal proceedings, but I'm beyond grateful for the knowledge I gained to support others.
I am not perfect, but I am enough.
I was broken, but now, I am whole.
I was beat down, but now I rise.
I am not proud of the lies I told, but I am proud of the man I've become.
I am not happy I was assaulted, but I've never been happier in my life.
I am only one voice. But, I'm far from alone.
#metoo
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